So People magazine announced its ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ on Wednesday.
Your winner: Bradley Cooper….?
Second place? Liam Hemsworth. Who’s Liam Hemsworth? What a stupid name.
Josh Charles was seventh? The kid who makes out with a girl who’s passed out from drinking in Dead Poets Society? That movie was made in 1989. Where are Richard Grieco and Joey Lawrence?
Ryan Gosling was tenth. Some Gosling supporters took to Twitter to blast People’s decision, and a few more picketed People’s New York office with “Ryan was Robbed “ and “Ryan Gosling is proof that there is a god and she is a woman” signs. I salute you, ladies. I presume you are ladies. If you picketed People magazine on behalf of Ryan Gosling’s sexiness and you are a man, let me know. I will gladly buy you a drink.
But as much support as I’ve shown Gosling on this blog, I do not think he is the sexiest man alive. This entire exercise is actually rather pointless. There is only one Sexiest Man Alive, and he has been the Sexiest Man Alive since 1994, when E.R. premiered on NBC.
His name is George Clooney. George Clooney’s sexiness pummels Bradley Cooper’s sexiness like Junior Dos Santos pummeled Cain Velasquez. If George Clooney’s sexiness were a stock it would be Google. George Clooney has more sex appeal than Kanye West has ego. Are we getting the picture?
George Clooney will be the sexiest man in the world as long as he has his own teeth. And who knows, maybe even after.
And while we’re on this topic—what does being sexy mean, for a dude? I know what a guy means when he says a woman is sexy. It means he wants to have sex with her. I’m not sure the converse is necessarily true.
So when a girl says ‘Bradley Cooper is sooo sexy,’ what is she saying, exactly? I guess it’s possible she is saying she would like to get nailed by Bradley Cooper, but there’s more to it, isn’t there? And wouldn’t a date with Bradley Cooper—or Ryan Gosling, or anyone on these lists, really—eventually kind of make you sick? I’m sure Bradley Cooper, in addition to being terrifically good-looking, is also funny and charming. Wouldn’t you want to vomit after a while, it was all so perfect?
Okay, whatever. Probably giving this too much thought. But…if I were a girl, I’d probably want to go on a date with Bradley Cooper’s Hangover co-star, Zach Galifianakis. That would probably be lots of fun. But then I’d be a total biz-natch and sleep with Bradley Cooper behind his back.